'Tis the Season

Today’s blog post comes from Selina Trigg, a New Zealand family lawyer, who offers some great advice about how to share parenting at Christmas

Christmas is Almost Here

Well, there it is – less than 30 days until Christmas! Are you sorted? You may be the type to have your Christmas gifts bought and wrapped, the menu planned and the relatives organised 6 months ago. You may have more of a “leave it to the last minute”, shop on Christmas Eve and forget to defrost the turkey approach. Whatever the case is, there is one thing that shouldn’t be left a minute longer – sorting out the parenting arrangements for your children at Christmas.

Parenting Arrangements

Some separated parents may have a standing arrangement, either in an order, parenting plan or through simply doing the same thing each year. If this is you, then it is likely to be a simple matter of politely confirming this arrangement with your ex.

For those who don’t have such an arrangement in place or wish to try to negotiate something different, you need to start resolving this NOW. Forget about Christmas shopping or getting that ham glaze recipe from your aunt. This takes priority. If you leave it any longer, you will likely be unable to find anyone who can assist you to resolve the issue at short notice.

What Should I Do If I Don't Have Any Arrangements?

So, what should you do? First things first, before raising the issue think about what is important for you and what you think may be important for the children and their other parent. Then consider a range of options that you can propose to the other parent which may satisfy those important concerns. There are a range of issues that you will likely have to consider, including:

What are the children’s views?
Do both parents celebrate Christmas? In some families, the holiday is more significant to one parent than the other.
How far away will you be from each other on Christmas Day? This will impact on how easily arrangements can be made for your children to spend time with each parent.
What arrangements with other family and people important to your children are there?
What happened last year? If the children missed out on time with one parent last Christmas, perhaps this year they should get time with that parent.
What family traditions do each parent’s families have around Christmas?
Are their family members or loved ones for whom this may be their last Christmas?
What ages and stages are your children at? For very young children, shorter blocks of contact may be more appropriate

If you cannot resolve the issue with your ex then you will need to consider getting outside assistance quickly. This may be in the form of a trusted family member or friend who can facilitate the negotiations between you. Alternatively, you may need to approach a lawyer or seek Family Dispute Resolution through one of the FDR providers in your area. However, doing this sooner rather than later, will help to ensure you can find someone to assist you.

Once You Have Your Arrangements

Once you have your arrangements in place, the following may help you survive the holiday season parenting arrangements:

Try to involve your children in the planning so that they have a say in what happens both in terms of what time they spend with each parent but also what they do during their time with you. However, don’t put the emotional burden of “deciding” on their shoulders.
Adopt a positive and encouraging attitude with your children towards them spending time with your ex and their family.
Communicate with your ex about important end of year celebrations and activities, such as end of year assemblies, Christmas concerts and parties and about the arrangements for attending these. This should be a time when your children get to enjoy having both their parents and loved ones attend such events without feeling stressed about how the adults are going to behave!
If you aren’t having the children on Christmas Day, this can be difficult. Try to ensure you make lots of plans to have a full day with other loved ones and friends or even volunteering at Mission. This way you will have less time to dwell on the fact you are without your children while also giving you the opportunity to create new Christmas traditions and build upon other relationships.
If you are having the children on Christmas Day, ensure they get contact with their other parent on the day by phone or Facetime/Skype etc. Arranging in advance for the children to have time with the other parent as close to Christmas Day as possible also means the children know they will be having a Christmas celebration with that parent.
Christmas is meant to be a magical time for children so take steps to ensure it is that way for your children. Parents arguing or sniping about each other or their families, spending hours in a car traipsing across the countryside between families (only to stop briefly before doing it again) and feeling pressured to ‘favour ’a parent is not the stuff magical Christmas memories are made of.
Carefully consider Santa and gift giving. Where possible, consult with your ex about where Santa will be delivering to (if he visits your children), the appropriateness of certain presents (should your 7 year old really be getting an iPhone?) sharing the cost of presents or setting a limit on how much you each spend. Also, think about what message it sends to your children and their other parent if you encourage and support your children to buy or make that parent a gift.

Above all, a reasonable approach will go a long way towards making life easier at Christmas for yourself and your children. This isn’t always easy to achieve amid the emotion of a separation. However, the build up to Christmas can be stressful enough of itself so take a deep breath and be prepared to circumvent a lot of stress by being reasonable and compromising. Sometimes goodwill and a spirit of compromise and inclusiveness is what is required. ‘Tis the season after all.

Selina Trigg heads the firm Family Law Results in Auckland, New Zealand. You can read like their page on Facebook, read her blog, or visit their website.

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Photo by Olesia 🇺🇦 Buyar on Unsplash